"Slowly, sinking, wasting..."

If I had the choice to rename my self I would be Ms. Fairly Inadequate. I kid you not. No, you say, girls choose names like Anica or Rose or Lumina, but fairly? What kind of name is that?

I'll tell you one thing, or rather two: it's original, and I find it to be true to myself. I feel as if I am always stuck as fairly smart, fairly decent looking, fairly nice, fairly good at tennis, fairly decent writer. I am the Fairly girl, if only I could remove the r and the l, then I'd have it made.

Let's just say:

I don't feel wanted or needed or loved.
I don't feel interesting or exotic or wonderful.
I don't feel cared for or acknowledge or useful.
I don't feel felt.
I don't feel alive.
I feel inadequate.
I feel the most aching nothingness that is so void it caves in and flourishes out into knives and kinks and knots or sadness that strangle me and close me tight within myself.

And maybe we all feel this every once in a while, maybe its a way to give us true appreciation for the good times.
But what if its perpetual and never leaves and inhabits within me forever.
But what if I die and I'm stuck in half-ness for ever after.

So how I ask are people drawn to you? Why do they like you so much? How do you get them to love you and say your name oh so many times down the hall and write on your facebook wall for all your friends to see? What is it that makes you so perfect so wonderful so wanted? Answers, like always, I don't and will never have.

Because I will never ask you. I don't even know who you are.

Why do I feel like shit?

Lemonbright* where art thou?

Love to a world with no love for me or any stars in sky with which to bless my horizon,

Fairly